The  Darktown  Literary 
Society  Meets. 


EDWARD  B.  WARREN 


PRICE  25  CENTS 


Eldridge  Entertainment  House 


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944  So.  Lown  Straet 


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MEETING  OF  THE  DARKTOWN 
LITERARY  SOCIETY 


A  Black-face  "Debate"  with  Plenty  of  Action 


By  EDWARD  B.  WARREN 


Price  25  Cents 

Copyright  1922,  Eldridge  Entertainment  House 


• PUBLISHED    BY- 

ELDRIDGE  ENTERTAINMENT  HOUSE, 
Franklin,  Ohio  also  Denver,  Colo. 


Cast  of  Characters 


A  President 
A  Secretary 
A  First  Monitor 
A  Critic 
A  Treasurer 

Rastus  Whitman,  The  Modern  John  C. 
Calhoun 

Lew  Harm,  A  Debater 

Jasamine  Johns  Joharis,  A  Declaimer 

Two  Judges 

A  Third  Judge,   Large,   Burly   Negro. 
(This  character  sits  on  back  row.)       . 

Two  Policemen 

As  many  others  to  fill  up  seats  as  desired, 

(All  characters  are  Black-face.) 

Have  arrangement  of  any  Literary  Society.  Pres- 
ident's desk  in  center;  desk  for  critic  and  treasurer  at 
right  of  president ;  desk  for  monitor  and  secretary  at 
left  of  president.  At  a  short  distance  in  front  of  officers 
and  directly  in  front  of  the  platform  which  should  be 
directly  in  front  of  the  president's  desk,  have  several 
rows  of  ordinary  chairs  or  benches.  All  characters  seat- 
ed when  the  curtain  rises. 

All  characters  dressed  grotesquely. 


Meeting  of  the  Darktown  Literary  Society 


CURTAIN  RISES 
(Everybody  seated.    President  strikes  his  gavel.} 

PRESIDENT — Now  will  de  meetin'  please  come  ter  or- 
dah  an'  we'll  hab  de  report  ob  de'  minutes  ob  de  last 
meetin'  from  de  Secretary. 

SECRETARY — Yer  honah.  Compounded  Fraternity 
Hall,  December  4,  1920.  Der  was  a  crap  game  befoah  de 
meetin'  was  called  ter  ordah  by  yer  honah.  Consequently 
de  s'ciety  neber  started  tell  thirty  minutes  late.  When  de 
hour  cum  ter  start  de  meetin',  de  presiden  been  two  dol- 
lars in  de  hole,  so  he  wouldn't  call  de  s'ciety  ter  ordah 
tell  he  had  done  win  back  his  two  dollars. 

Befoah  de  reglar  program  tuk  place,  Ebenezer  Hard- 
man  move  dat  we  turns  to  bery  important  business.  His 
motion  was  dat  de  s'ciety  abolish  crap  games  tell  aftah 
de  meetin's,  cause  he  had  jest  got  control  ob  de  bones 
when  de  president  call  de  meetin'  ter  ordah.  Dat  motion 
was  seconded  by  Rastus  Wildflower  who  had  lost  de  only 
fifty  cents  dat  he  had  ter  buy  supper  wid.  Dere  was  an 
eben  split  on  de  votes,  and  the  president  killed  de  motion, 
'cause  he  sed  he  was  purfectly  satisfied  wid  habin'  crap 
games  befoah  de  meetin's. 

Rastus  had  ter  be  thrown  out  ob  de  hall,  'cause  he 
wanted  ter  fight  wid  de  president. 

Aftah  dis  minor  spectacle,  de  reglar  program  was 
carried  out. 

Dere  was  a  good  debate  betwixt  four  ob  our  illus- 
trated scribes.  De  questionaire  was,  "It  hab  been  already 
resolved  dat  it  am  more  easy  ter  ketch  chickens  dan  ter 
buy  'em." 


4  Meeting  of  the  Darktown  Literary  Society 

De  negative  won  on  de  bery  strong  pint  dat  it  jest 
cum  natchel  to  eny  nigger  to  ketch  chickens,  but  it  ain't 
natchel  fer  de  nigger  ter  wuk  fer  de  money  ter  buy 
de  chicken  wid. 

Aftah  a  few  fist  fights  and  one  wrastlin'  match,  de 
meetin'  bruk  up  tell  next  time.  (Secretary  sits.) 

PRES. — Is  dere  eny  kerections  ter  dese  moments? 
(Silence.)  No?  Den  dey  will  stay  jest  as  dey  is.  (He 
waits.)  Gentlemen,  we  has  de  bery  pribileged  honah  ter 
hab  wid  us  dis  ebenin',  de  Honorable  Rastus  Whitman, 
who  am  going  ter  tell  us  ob  de  real  conditions  ob  de 
world.  As  one  ob  de  debaters  am  missing,  we'll  hear  de 
gentleman  speal  whilst  we  waits  fer  dat  lazy  scoundrel 
ter  show  up.  (Turns  to  Secretary.)  Mr  Secretary,  you 
impose  a  heaby  fine  on  dat  nigger,  'cause  he  had  a  busi- 
ness ter  be  heah.  (Faces  front.)  So  we  will  now  hab  de 
pleasure  ob  hearing  de  Hon'rable  Rastus  Whitman,  oder- 
wise  known  as  de  Modern  John  C.  Calhoun,  on  de  ques- 
tion ob  States  Rights.  (Boivs  to  Whitman.) 

WHITMAN — (He  is  an  elderly  Negro,  somewhat  slow 
in  his  movements,  perhaps  with  one  hand  on  his  hip 
while  walking.  He  slowly  walks  to  the  position  on  the 
platform,  in  front  of  the  President.  Has  on  full  dress 
coat;  pants,  khaki,  bagging;  bosom,  stiff,  white;  cuffs. 
Red  undershirt.  Rope  holding  up  pants.  Neat  appear- 
ance ivhen  he  starts.  Although  he  is  old,  he  is  a  fiery 
character,  when  he  gets  "roused  up,"  and  displays  that 
gesture  which  characterizes  his  race.)  Ladies  and  wom- 
en, gentlemen  and  men,  sons  and  aunts,  uncles  and 
daughters,  and  ebery  emaciated  victim  ob  dis  huh  igno- 
ble circumstances,  I,  as  de  representatib  ob  de  Almagated 
Ordah  ob  Expiring  Ethiopians,  do  prevail  befoah  your 
faces  de  sentiments  ob  dat  disgust  council.  I  tells  you 
niggers  dat  de  time  (gesture)  am  done  come  when  we 
pompious  sons  ob  an  abstruse  race  ob  sagacious  men,  has 
got  ter  put  our  shoulder  ter  de  wheel  and  expectorate  dis 
huh  profound  problem.  (Waits.)  As  a  matter  fer  yuh 
precarious  minds,  I  should  first  circumspect  my  words 
and  tell  yuh  how  dis  huh  ting  furst  commenced,  but  I 


Meeting  of  the  Darktown  Literary  Society  5 

conceibes  dat  yuh  intellects  ain't  matured  enuff  yet  ter 
withstand  de  onslaughts  ob  a  supercilious  gentleman. 
(Waits.)  So,  Fs  goin'  ter  excommunicate  fer  yuh  vicis- 
situdes de  principles  ob  our  explorable  condition  in  jest 
as  simple  a  language  as  I  knows  how.  (Waits.)  Ef  any 
one  ob  yuh  finds  abstruseness  in  ma  oblong  deliberation, 
why,  jest  mention  it,  and  I'll  secede  ter  elucidate  in  a 
more  dilated  manner.  (Waits.  Pulls  out  handkerchief 
and  wipes  face.)  I  tell  yuh  young  niggers  dat  de  bery 
cause  ob  dis  huh  unseasonable  action  on  de  behalf  of  de 
white  people  is  a  matter  ob  monumental  meditation. 
(Sivings  fist  in  air.  Waits.)  Dey  has  jest  simply  got  us 
disposing  as  ter  dere  curriculum  of  intimidation.  An'  I 
wants  ter  tell  yuh  dat  de  only  hope  ob  moderation  ob  dese 
debilish  exactions  is  dat  (stamps  foot  on  floor)  we  co- 
agugate  ourselves  inter  a  dismembered  union!  (Waits.) 
Ef  we  formulates  a  leader  and  a  impedimental  plan  ob 
resurrection,  we  kin  rise  up  against  dem  and  capitulate 
der  leaders.  Den  dey  will  be  submerged  into  sech  a  dilap- 
idated state  of  subjectification  dat  dey  can't  expose  on 
us  eny  more  ob  dere  hegoatsism.  (Waits.)  De  scientifi- 
cal  experimentations  ob  all  de  past  bygone  ages  has  vin- 
dificated  dat  de  Son  ob  Ham,  or  de  Ethiopian,  or  ter  use 
more  uncongrous  speech,  de  nigger,  sech  as  you  an'  me  is, 
has  always  been  (loud)  a  indispensoryable  atom  ob  de 
universe.  (Waits.)  Dat's  why  de  white  man  galli- 
vanted ter  de  goldian  shores  ob  old  Africa  and  subjecti- 
ficated  our  forefathers.  Dey  brot  dem  ter  de  illuminated 
shores  ob  dese  United  States  ob  America  and  disposed 
on  dem  de  most  ignonimousness  (slow  and  distinct)  and 
most  delectableness  reactions  dat  dere  congested  cran- 
iums  could  perceib  ob!  (Waits.)  It  was  (Opens  coat 
and  exposes  red  shirt)  de  most  shame-faced  act  dat  de 
conscience  ob  de  universe  has  eber  been  exposed  ter! 
(Waits.)  It  was  de  height  ob  conglomerated  audacity! 
(Waits.)  Jest  link!  Your  great-granddaddy  might  hab 
ben  one  ob  dem  illistrious  shepherds  ob  one  ob  dem  sup- 
ercilious tribes  ob  old  sunny  Africa.  An'  jest  tink,  gen- 
tlemen, how  (slow  and  distinct)  peebed  he  must  felt 
when  dem  white  folks  run  him  down  like  a  infuriated 


6  Meeting  of  the  Darktown  Literary  Society 

skunk  and  trowed  dem  ironical  chains  around  his  sub- 
lime posture!  (Louder.}  An*  jest  tink  how  humilified 
and  distasteful  he  musta  looked  (Faster)  when  dey  put 
him  up  on  dat  rostrum  ter  sell  him  in  sech  a  nude  coun- 
tenance! (Waits.  Wipes  face  with  handkerchief.) 
Fellow  gentlemen,  (low  and  slow)  de  only  plan  ob  re- 
triebement  dat  I  kin  concebe  ob  is  dat  we  draw  up  a  con- 
summation ob  our  inaugurated  distractions  and  present 
dem  to  dese  ungrateful  plebians.  Now  dat  I  hab  expos- 
tulated in  de  most  simple  dubiousness,  I  will  turn  de 
meetin'  ober  ter  yuh  illustrated  president  of  yuh  pro- 
tracted ordah  fer  future  introspection.  (Boivs.  Resumes 
seat.) 

PRES. — (Claps  hands.  Others  follow  suit.  Quiet.) 
I  tells  yuh  niggers  dat  dat  am  what  yuh  calls  Elecution- 
ary  Speeching.  We  suttinly  is  glad  ter  hab  de  Hon'rable 
John  C.  Calhoun  wid  us,  and  we  wants  ter  tank  him  fer 
dese  spurious  words.  It  is  wid  regret  dat  I  must  an- 
nounce ter  yuh  gentlemen  dat  Josephr.s  Tardiman  ain't 
git  huh  yit.  He  is  de  guy  on  de  negatif  side  ob  de  de- 
bate. Folks,  dis  debate  dis  aftahnune  am  a  bery  nerbous 
one.  By  dat  I  means  dis.  Dat  it  is  seclusive  or  delusive, 
or,  at  eny  rate  dere  am  goin'  ter  be  rome  kind  ob  a  lusin', 
'cause  de  winner  am  goin'  ter  be  elected  ter  de  presidency 
ob  de  Almagated  Ordah  ob  Expiring  Ethiopians.  Now, 
it  does  grieb  my  heart  bery  much  and  decisively  ter  see 
dat  one  ob  de  gentilmen  am  absent;  but  as  de  vacancy 
needs  repletion  immediately,  I  is  goin'  ter  appoint  a  sub- 
stitute fer  de  absent  brother.  An'  I  is  goin'  ter  put  de 
Hon'rable  John  C.  Calhoun  on  de  negatif  side  ob  de  de- 
bate. (Everybody  looks  at  Whitman.) 

WHITMAN — (Stands  and  bows.  Broad  smile  comes 
over  his  countenance  as  he  slowly  walks  up  front  and 
takes  his  seat  on  the  left  of  the  president.)  Ah  consid- 
ers dis  a  great  honah,  indeed! 

LEW  HARM — (Affirmative.  Pulls  handkerchief  out 
of  his  pocket  and  wipes  his  face.)  Whew!  I  done 
knowed  I  lost  dis  debate !  (He  gets  up  and  walks  to  seat 
on  right  of  President.) 


Meeting  of  the  Darktown  Literary  Society  7 

PRES.— I's  goin'  ter  appoint  fer  de  judges,  Mr.  Lor- 
ry Wilson,  Brother  Jenkins  Simpson,  and  dat  big  nigger 
on  de  last  row.  I  don't  know  his  name,  but  he  looks  like 
he  got  enough  sense  ter  'cide  de  debate  wid  his  fist  ef  he 
can't  wid  his  intellect.  Now,  we  will  hab  de  debate. 

WHITMAN — Mr.  President,  what  am  de  question  fer 
meditation  and  introspection? 

PRES. — (astonished  at  these  words.  Gazes  at  Whit- 
man with  mouth  wide  open.}  Wot's  dat  yuh  sed? 

WHITMAN — Why,  what  am  de  query  dat  me  an'  de 
belligerent  am  goin'  ter  wrestle  wid? 

PRES. — Nigger,  dere  ain't  goin'  ter  be  eny  more 
wrastlin'  matches  in  dis  hall,  yuh  hears  dat.  Not  whilst 
I  sets  in  dis  ornamented  chair. 

WHITMAN — Oh,  who  in  de  debil  said  anything  'bout 
wrestling  matches? 

PRES. — Well,  den,  nigger,  make  yuhself  plain.  I's  a 
plain  man.  I  eats  plain,  I  looks  plain,  I  talks  plain,  and  I 
understands  plain. 

WHITMAN — I  percebes  dat  your  conglomerated  au- 
dacity might  resuscitate  dat  latent  diffident  instinct  in 
yuh  irascible  self.  And — 

PRES. — Yes,  dat's  all  bery  true,  but  let's  hab  dis  de- 
bate. 

WHITMAN — How's  I  goin'  ter  debate  when  I  doesn't 
know  de  query? 

PRES. — What  you  mean,  eny  way,  man? 
HARM — He  must  mean  de  questionnaire. 

PRES. — Oh !  de  questionnaire !  Oh,  yes !  Yuh  wants 
ter  know  what  yuh  goin'  ter  debate  about.  .Now,  I  un- 
derstands yuh.  Yuh  wants  ter  be  on  yuh  guard  when  de 
time  comes.  I'll  hab  de  Secretary  read  de  problem  fer 
solution. 

SECRETARY — (Stands.  Clears  throat.)  It  am  re- 
solved dat  de  right  time  fer  de  nigger  man  to  awaken  ter 
his  place  is  huh.  (Takes  seat.) 


8 Meeting  of  the  Darktown  Literary  Society 

WHITMAN — Dat  sound  bery  suspicious,  but  dis  nig- 
ger (points  to  Harm)  don't  look  like  he  hab  much  sense 
nohow.  Go  ahead. 

HARM — Yuh  Honah,  (faces  president)  Hon'rable 
Jedges,  (faces  front)  and  all  who  am  interested  in  de  in- 
terpretation ob  dis  unparalleled  question.  I  considers  it 
a  bery  great  honah  ter  hab  de  pribilege  ter  stand  befoah 
yuh  on  dis  (takes  handkerchief  from  pocket  and  wipes 
face)  sweaty  night.  (Waits.)  Howeber,  I  wants  yuh 
ter  understand,  befoah  I  opens  my  mouth,  dat  I'll  con- 
sider it  a  bigger  honah,  yuh  honorable  jedges,  ef  yuh  rec- 
ommends me  fer  de  position  as  de  president  ob  de  Alma- 
gated  Ordah  ob  Expiring  Ethiopians.  In  udder  words, 
I  considers  dat  elevated  position  de  highest  honah.  (He 
waits.)  Now,  befoah  I  starts,  I  wants  ter  tell  yuh  right 
now,  dat  ef  yuh  doesn't  like  my  method  ob  arguing,  jest 
keep  yuh  mouth  shet,  and  set  still.  'Cause  all  de  doars  is 
up  your  side  (points  to  opposite  side  of  the  hall,  over  the 
heads  of  his  audience)  and  ef  I  has  ter  run  out  ob  dis 
hall,  some  ob  yuh  might  git  stampeded  upon  top  of  me, 
and  yuh'll  hab  ter  be  carried  ter  de  hospital.  (Waits. 
Wipes  face.)  As  de  chosen  defender  ob  dis  question, 
(Remember  gestures.  Gestures,  and  comical  gestures  all 
the  way  through  the  debate  will  make  the  life  of  the  en- 
tire affair.)  Resolved:  Dat  de  time  am  right  now  fer  de 
nigger  ter  awaken  ter  his  place  is  huh,  I  purposes  ter 
extend  my  argument  from  two  hitching  posts.  Dat  is  ter 
say,  dat  I's  done  make  up  my  mind  as  ter  de  outcome  ob 
dis  heuh  question,  and  I's  hitched  right  dere  and  I  does- 
n't want  ter  be  loosened  by  dis  heuh  man  what  you  calls 
hisself  de  Hon'rable  John  C.  Kelhoun.  (Waits.)  Dem 
two  lines  which  I's  goin'  ter  argue  from  is  dis.  First, 
dat  dis  am  de  time,  'cause  dere  ain't  no  better  time,  past, 
present  or  future.  And,  second,  'cause  we's  got  sech 
hon'rable  men  as  de  Hon'rable  John  C.  Calhoun  libing 
today.  (Turns  and  points  to  Whitman,  wlno  smiles  and 
bows  to  his  audience.)  I,  ob  de  affirmative,  holds  to  de 
point  dat  dis — dis  time  right  now  dat  you  and  I  is  lookin' 
at — is  de  best  time.  Dat  dere  kin  be  no  better  time  dan 


Meeting  of  the  Darktown  Literary  Society  9 

today.  As  we  looks  about  us  and  sees  de  griebianees  ob 
all  de  folks  around  us,  it  jest  simply  tells  us  dat  some- 
thing has  gotta  be  done,  and  done  bery  quick.  (Waits.) 
I  will  jest  quote  de  Hon.  Kelhoun  fer  authority.  He  jest 
git  through  saying,  "De  time  am  done  come  when  we 
pompious  sons  ob  an  abstruse  race  ob  sagacious  men 
hab  gotta  put  our  shoulders  ter  dat  wheel  and  expector- 
ate wid  dis  huh  profound  problem."  (Remember  gesture) 
Again,  (Whitman  turns  uneasily  in  his  chair. 
Operas  eyes  wide.  Scratches  head.  .Has  all  appearances 
of  one  greatly  disturbed.)  de  bery  cause  ob  dese  hard 
times  is  unexcusable.  Why,  gintlemen,  de  times  is  hard 
— I  knows  dey  is  hard,  'cause  I  ain't  had  enyting  ter  eat 
sence  last  night  mahseif — 'cause  we  has  ter  work.  Now 
dat  ain't  no  natchel  ting  fer  eny  nigger  ter  do.  Our  no- 
ble ancestors,  as  de  Hon'rable  Kelhoun  jest  teld  yuh,  is 
come  from  Africi,  and  Africi  am  a  land  where  dey  don't 
need  ter  work.  In  de  first  place,  dey  don't  need  eny 
house  ter  lib  in.  Dey  kin  git  under  a  tree  to  git  out  ob 
de  rain.  It  don't  neber  git  cold  down  dere.  So  yuh  sees 
dat  a  nigger  don't  need  eny  house  in  dat  hot  climate. 
(Waits.)  And  he  don't  need  ter  work  for  his  food, 
'cause  (Remember  gestures)  he  jest  hab  ter  pick  up  a  big 
rock  and  throw  up  into  a  tree  and  knock  down  de  cocoa 
nuts.  And  he  don't  hab  ter  wear  much  clothes  in  dat  hot 
country.  So,  yuh  see,  gentlemen,  it  am  de  fault  ob  de 
white  folks  dat  we  is  huh  and  dey  has  got  ter  look  out 
fer  us.  Now,  ef  any  ob  you  niggers  don't  belieb  what  I 
done  tell  yuh,  jest  ask  de  Hon'rable  John  C.  Kelhoun. 
(Whitman  very  nervous  and  uneasy.)  He  jest  (points 
to  Whitman)  done  gib  yuh  a  long,  protracted  oration  ob 
all  what  I  seel.  He'll  back  me  up  in  dis.  He's  authority. 
An*  ef  yuh  doesn't  belieb  me,  ask  de  president.  (Turns 
to  Pres.,  who  nods  head  and  smiles.  Whitman  appears 
very  uneasy.}  Now,  gentlemen,  and  women,  too.  Now, 
to  proob  de  second  point,  dat  dis  am  de  right  time,  'cause 
we  has  seen  cap'ble  men  as  de  efficient  John  C.  Kelhoun. 
Why,  gentlemen,  jest  look  at  him.  (Turns  to  Whitman. 
Whitman  brushes  lapels  of  coat;  sits  up  in  chair.  Smiles. 


10          Meeting  of  the  Darktown  Literary  Society 

Flattered  by  this  remark  of  his  opponent.)  Sech  men  .as 
him  is  leaders,  'cause  yuh  jest  heard  him  gib  de  reasons 
fer  what  I's  telling  yuh  'bout  now.  (Whitman  sinks  in 
chair;  opens  wide  his  mouth;  gazes  scrutinizingly  at  the 
other.)  (Waits.)  So,  gentlemen,  I  leaves  it  wid  you, 
dat  fer  dese  bery  reasons  de  time  am  right.  (Bows  and 
sits.) 

PRES. — I  neber  knowed  dat  nigger  had  all  dat  sense 
nohow.  Now,  we  will  hab  de  opposite  ob  de  question. 

WHITMAN — (Gets  up  with  handkerchief  in  hand. 
Grunts.)  Mr.  President,  excruciable  judges,  and  who- 
eber  is  out  dere.  (Points  to  his  audience.)  I  synchron- 
iously  (talks  slow)  wid  ma  detestable  and  bombastic  bel- 
ligerent ober  dere  (points  to  opponent)  does  surely  'gree 
wid  him  in  ebery  ting  dat  he  done  sed.  (Waits.)  I's 
gotta  'gree  wid  him,  (slow)  'cause  I  intends  to  connive 
'gainst  him  and  expound  de  contraiwise  ob  ma  oration. 

AFFIRMATIVE — (pad  in  hand;  interrupts  speaker) 
Mr.  President.  (Faces  Pres.,  who  knocks  gavel.)  Yuh 
honah,  de  affirmative  speaker  desires  ter  interrupt. 
(Whitman  turns  slowly  and  looks  at  opponent.)  Yuh 
honah,  is  dere  to  be  a  back-biting  in  dis  argument? 

WHITMAN — Backbitin'!  (Shakes  his  shoulders  and 
smoothes  down  coat  in  back.)  Nigger,  what  you  mean 
by  dat? 

PPES. — I  reckin  he  mean  back-buttal. 

WHITMAN — Aha!  No!  He  mean  re-buttal.  Yes, 
nigger,  dere  am  a-goin'  ter  be  a  rebuttal  betwixt  you  an' 
I,  and  dat  rebuttal  am  a-goin'  ter  be  mixed  wid  a/  lot  ob 
back-bitin'  too,  but  it  all  goin'  ter  take  place  behind  closed 
doors.  (Affirmative  takes  seat.  Calhoun  resumes  his 
speech.)  Ef  dat  nigger  comprehended  what  disastrously 
dangerous  terrain  he  was  permeating,  he'd  leab  dis  hall 
right  now.  And — 

AFFIRMATIVE — (interrupts,  and  Whitman  stops  with 
one  hand  stretched  out  in  air  just  as  he  says  the  wordf 
"and")  Mr.  President,  is  you  got  a  dictionary  'round 
'bouts  here,  'cause  I's  done  lost  track  ob  dat  man. 


Meeting  of  the  Darktown  Literary  Society          It 

WHITMAN — (turns  slowly.  Faces  opponent.  Sticks 
both  hands  in  hip  pockets.)  Yuh  illiterate  species  ob  ar- 
rogance, has  yuh  got  de  gumptiqn  ter  perambulate  ma 
right  ter  talk  how  I  so  desires?  (Bends  knees  and  gazes 
into  other's  eyes.) 

AFF. —  (aside  to  audience)  I  wish  Webster  was  in 
town.  I'd  surely  hab  invited  him  ter  spend  de  ebening 
wid  me. 

WHITMAN — Ain't  yuh  got  no  respect  fer  a  grandilo- 
quent anthromorphous  being  like  me?  Well,  tuk  yuh  seat 
and  let  yuh  elongated  carcass  be  sedentary  tell  I  dis- 
probe  ma  intensely  inappropriate  and  meritorious  sub- 
sidences on  dis  yuh  question  ob  no  small  outcome. 
(Waits.)  Ain't  yuh  acquainted  wid  de  fact  dat  it  is  de 
most  hypocritical  and  impertinent  attitude  dat  yuh  could 
conglomerate  when  yuh  interrupts  a  gentilman  in  his 
speeching.  (Turns  to  audience.)  Now,  ter  git  back  ter 
way  I  fell  off  de  train.  I  sed  I  got  to  probe  ma  situation. 
But  how  kin  I  probe  ma  situation  when  he  done  quo- 
tated  me  fer  authority?  (Waits.)  I  might  hab  won  dis- 
tinction by  dat  protracted  and  simple  oration,  but  I  sees 
now,  dat  I's  goin'  ter  win  extinction,  and  mstinction,  an' 
all  other  kinds  ob  "stinctions."  Has  yuh  eber  seed  a 
man  git  inter  so  much  trouble?  Now,  I's  gotta  dis- 
proob  what  I  done  proob,  (very  slow)  or  else  proob  dat  I 
had  disproobed  de  proof  what  I  was  using  to  proob  de 
already  proobed  proof  which  ma  somewhat  chagrined 
opponent  now  says  he  kin  proob  de  proof  dat  I  already 
proobed  in  ma  oration.  Whew!  (Wipes  face  with  his 
sleeve.)  Dat's  some  preposition.  Hit's  a  heap  lot  worse 
dan  de  real  query.  De  sole  retreat  dat  I  kin  lean  on  fer 
consolation  is  to  adjudicate  or  renovate  all  de  fallacious 
remarks  dat  has  been  preferred  dis  ebening,  or  in  oder 
words,  I's  gotta  proob  John  C.  Calhoun  a  liar,  or  lose  de 
job  as  President  ob  de  Almagated  Ordah  of  Expiring 
Ethiopians.  (Waits.)  En  I  can't  do  dat,  'cause  de  con- 
stitution ob  dat  body  says  dat  a  liar  can't  be  de  presi- 
dent. (Waits.  Smiles  and  talks  low.)  Does  yuh  folks 
out  dar  like  oratory?  Oh  yea!  I  knows  yuh  does,  'spe- 


12          Meeting  of  the  Darktown  Literary  Society 

cially  de  oratorical  truth.  So  dat's  why  I  gib  yuh  dat 
oration  jest  now,  but  don't  yuh  like  to  hear  de  real 
truthful  truth?  Assuredly,  yuh  does,  and  huh  is  where 
I's  goin'  ter  tell  yuh  de  truth  and  gib  yuh  an  example  ob 
oratory  at  de  same  time.  (Rolls  up  sleeves  and  cuffs  to 
pants.)  Who  (Gesture — plenty  of  it.}  am  dat  aristocrat- 
ical  and  enervated  nigger  dat  sed  de  right  time  fer  us 
niggers  to  wake  up  am  come?  When  dose  meaning- 
less words  comes  floating  through  aerial  space  and  be- 
come tangent  to  our  ears,  dey  sounds  jest  like  de  indel- 
ible ecstacy  ob  an  intoxicated  man.  (Waits.}  Dose 
words  has  no  meaning  to  demselbes  at  all.  Dey  is  as 
void  ob  sense  as  de  brains  ob  dere  defender.  (Points  to 
affirmative  speaker.)  And  (jumps  up  and  down  on  the 
platform)  I  tells  yuh —  (at  this  moment  three  judges 
walk  up  front  toward  president's  desk.  They  go  behind 
and  around  Whitman.  He  stops  talking,  on  the  word, 
"yuh,"  as  they  begin  to  walk  up  front.  His  eyes  follow 
them  the  whole  way.) 

FIRST  JUDGE — Mr.  President,  we  considers  dat  de 
affirmative  has  won  de  query. 

AFF. —  (Bursts  out  into  a  hearty  laughter.  Every- 
body smiles  except  Whitman,  who  sloivly  runs  his  hand 
into  his  inside  coat  pocket  and  pulls  out  a  glass  beer  bot- 
tle which  he  raises  over  his  head  and  advances  on  the 
judges.) 

JUDGES — (Trembling  at  sight.  Sec.  and  Monitor 
steal  up  behind  Whitman.)  We  mean  de  affirmative 
lost!  (Whitman  stops.  Lowers  bottle.  Sec.  and  Moni- 
tor stop  behind  him.  Affirmative  loses  smile  slowly  and 
gets  up  out  of  his  chair.  Runs  hand  into  pocket  and  pulls 
out  a  pair  of  brass  knucks,  which  he  puts  on  left  hand. 
Expectorates  on  his  left  fist  and  swings  arm  in  air.) 

AFF. —  (as  he  whirls  hand  in  air.)  Who  yuh  sed  lost 
dis  debate?  (Critic  and  Treas.  steal  up  behind  him. 
Calhoun  bursts  out  into  hearty  laughter,  patting  knees 
with  his  hands.) 

WHITMAN — I  tell  yuh,  yuh  done  lost  dis  debate. 


Meeting  of  the  Darktown  Literary  Society          13 

AFF. —  (Faces  Whitman  and  gazes  at  him.)  Laugh 
yuh  last  laugh,  en,  ef  yuh  has  eny  insurance,  yuh  had 
betta  make  dese  gentilmen  acquainted  wid  de  receipts. 
(Whitman  raises  bottle;  affirmative  swings  left  arm. 
Sec.  and  Mon.  catch  Whitman  from  behind;  Critic  and 
Treas.  catch  Aff.  from  behind.) 

PRES. —  (addressing  Jasamine  Johns  Joharis)  Jas- 
amine  Johns  Joharis,  go  call  de  cops,  quick. 

J.  J.  J. —  (Disappears  through  door.  Whitman  and 
Aff.  struggle  to  free  themselves.) 

J.  J.  J. —  (outside)  Cop!    Police!    Help! 

POLICEMAN — (outside)  What  de  debil  am  wrong  wid 
yuh,  Jasamine  Johns  Joharis? 

J.  J.  J. — Quick!     Come  here! 

(Enter  two  black-face  cops  and  J.  J.  J.) 

PRES. — Right  dis  way,  gentilmen.  (Each  policeman 
draws  a  very  long  club  from  his  belt;  two  offenders  calm 
down  when  they  see  the  officers  of  the  law.  Policemen 
arrest  them.)  Yuh  kin  tuk  dem  both,  cause  dey  has  bro- 
ken de  constitution  ob  de  Almagated  Ordah  ob  Expiring 
Ethiopians  which  sed  dat  a  jailbird  can't  hold  de  salted 
position  ob  President.  So  I  reckin  we'll  hab  ter  had  an- 
uder  debate  fer  ter  'cide  de  question.  (Police  leave  with 
prisoners;  all  others  resume  seats  as  before.)  Now,  dat 
we's  got  peace,  we'll  hab  an  acclamation  by  Mr.  Jasa- 
mine Johns  Joharis. 

J.  J.  J. —  (Gets  up  on  platform.  Bvws.)  De  title  ob 
my  exclamation  is  "De  Watermillion." 

(This  should  be  recited  with  a  great  amount  of  ges- 
ture, and  inflection  of  voice,  both  in  the  proper  places.) 

Dey  was  a  watermillion, 

Growin'  on  a  vine, 
And  dey  was  a  pickaninny, 

A-watchin'  it  all  de  time. 


35Y5" 

14          Meeting  of  the  Darktown  Literary  Society 

An'  when  dat  watermillion 
Were  a/-ripenin'  in  de  sun, 

An'  de  stripes  along  its  jacket 
Was  comin*  one  by  one, 

Dat  pickaninny  hooked  it, 

And,  totin'  it  away, 
He  et  dat  entire  million, 

Within  one  single  day. 

He  et  de  rind  and  pieces, 
He  finished  it  wid  vim — 

An'  den  dat  watermillion 
Jes'  up  an"  finished  him. 

PRES. — Dat  am  some  nigger.  Dat  nigger  is  goin' 
tsr  be  president  ob  Africi  yet.  (Strikes  on  desk  for  or- 
der.) Does  I  hear  a  movement  fer  disjoinment? 

J.  J.  J. — Mr.  President,  I  moves  dat  we  disjoin. 

PRES. —  (Throws  off  mortar  board  and  goivn.)  Dat 
mobe  don't  need  eny  second.  Everybody  out  fer  de 
bowlin'  alley!  (Uproar.) 

CURTAIN 


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A-B-C-Capers 


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Plays  about  20  minutes.  Price,  25c. 

Emily's  Dream 

By  Mary  Frix  Kidd.  This  is  the  story  of  a  Geogra- 
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The  Love  Flower 

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The  Silver  Sandals 

By  Banche  Thompson.  Ths  is  a  charming  new  play 
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By  Margaret  Howard.  A  pretty  story  showing  how 
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Princess  Rosy  Cheeks 

By  Effie  Sammond  Balph.  A  "good  health"  play  for 
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SURE  POP   AND    THE   SAFETY 
FIRST  SCOUTS 

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or  elsewhere.  Price  25  cents. 

FOWL  DEEDS 

A  roaring  black-face  comedy,  suitable 
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SPECIAL  DAYS 

This  is  another  splendid  book  for 
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The  Brightville  Indoor  Chautauqua 

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By  Margaret  S.  Bridge  and  Margaret  H.  Hahn.  The 
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A.  "talking  doll"  missionary  play  by  Dorothy  Crich- 
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A  dialog  and  drill  for  10  or  12  girls  and  boys.  Suit- 
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By  various  authors  and  a  real  help  to  the  teacher. 
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Gossip  in  Slowville 

By  E.  Haskell.  Depicts  the  sayings  of  the  village  gos- 
sip and  makes  a  very  effective  reading.  .Price  15c. 

The  Spinsterhood  of  Mary 

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Mrs.  Swattem  Attends  the  Convention 

This  monolog  by  Rhoda  Barclay   is  an  account  of  the 
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not   truthfully.     Price,    15c. 


Eldridge  Entertainment  House 

FRANKLIN,  OHIO  also  DENVER^  C 


